Well, I can tell you how this feels.....

A few times since I've "taken a break" from school,
I've attempted to write.
Writing is this weird thing for me. At one one point in my life,
for quite awhile I felt really really compelled to write. I loved
the freedom and drama and I had several super positive experiences
with teachers because of my desire to write well.
But these attempts have been difficult.
I sit down and try to say something about anything and I get lost.
"My voice," I have to concede....I kind of hate it.
I come up with all these drippy, ordinary, obtuse ways of communicating
and I have to stop writing because I'm grimacing too fiercely to see the
screen anymore.
A couple times, I've written things haphazardly, I'll get certain nuggets of
encouragement and I react incredulously.
To inspire and subconsciously guide me, I've been reading more.
These forays are nourishing but everything I read seems so amazing so effort-
less...so similar I just think, "well, that's what good is and I can't be that."
I feel defeated because of my lack of discernment.
Not only can I not tell when I've written something well, I can't articulate what I
like when I like it.
It feels out of control.
And I never, EVER, EVVVVER wanted this blog to be a place for me to blab about
some trivial blahblahblah from my day-to-day ho-hummy hum-ness but here I go.
I am doing it.
It feels less than ideal.