It's hard to appreciate someone from a distance.
Yet over and over again I find myself distancing myself
from people in order to feel comfortable around them.
And then I feel so alone and lonely.
And super gun-shy about making contact
When it comes down to it, I can feel uncomfortable
around most people. It's hard to just be myself
and be around others.
I think that I want to just do two things:
1) spend more time with folks, really get all up in
the face of this issue and
2) keep spending more time with just myself to try and accept
who I am with an open heart.
I already feel like you can never give a person too many
chances to be a part of your life. It is so easy to think that
we know how someone is, but really I think we can only truly know
ourselves.
And I'm starting to realize not only that I don't want to feel in competition
with others but I don't have to be in competition with others. All I
gain from this mind-trip is fuel for my vanity and when it's gone...the
sense of freedom is really amazing.
Beyond that I have to admit that my faults aren't going anywhere.
I mean, when I think about something in a different way, it's helpful
but I still have every crazy emotion that everyone else has. I can see
myself everywhere it seems. What's weird is that without other people
to interact with it can actually start to feel like I'm "improving,"
that I'm getting "better."
Maybe that's why I've been avoiding relationships.
Hmmmmm.
It's also kind of sad to reach out and to not be received.
But maybe the receiving comes out of the range of my expectations.
I will wait and see.
Stretch and reach out.
